It is 2rd of April. Time has slipped away. How are you doing? I like to ask this to everyone. If people told me that they are fine, great, I am sincerely happy for them. For a child, happiness is like something you can grab by just open your hand. It will fall down from the sky, right into your little palm. If you think it is the same for an adult, wake up from your sweet dream. It is something that so hard to get, you might get hurt during the process and no guarantee for succeed. Why it is so different? Think this, an adult have to pay full price to get a movie ticket, children got it half price. Okay, now I seem to get it a bit.
I am in the office now, you might wonder how could I have time to type a letter. Might be a long letter. The fact is I have nothing to do. I have done with my part. And I don’t know what else can I do. Therefore, I assume that I have nothing to do. This is killing me, I can stand pressure, hard work, new task, but boring. I don’t know why they offered me this job, simple just because they don’t think I can find a job? And now, I don’t want to know either. My six senses tell me that I am not going to like the answer. After the New Year, many of my friends had resigned and looked for new job. I envy them. All of them.
It has been 4 months and a bit longer. I still can’t accept it. But I don’t know what is dragging me down. Every times the TV programs show something shot at NZ. I can’t stop to feel sad and very sad. At first, I think that I might just miss the place too bad. Last night, there is one travelling show introduced NZ. The places that I been to, the activities that I had tried before. Luckily it didn’t show Wellington. If not, I will have a long cry for the sadness. I can’t continue on watching it. So I turned on the laptop, listened to music. And I wanted to figure out why.
Take a slow, deep breathe, I try to calm down a bit. The more I want to know, the more memories I recall back, the harder I can breathe. There is a radio in the office, so we can listen to music from the FM. Those English songs are repeated playing. One round and again. Some of the familiar songs always bring me back to the life in Welly. I like a song from NZ very much, ALWAYS ON MY MIND by TIKKI.
Since back to here, I do everything to full the life. With a long lists of activities and achievements, I don’t have one minute to waste. Or I just want to keep myself busy so I will have no time to feel sad. Yes, I know that, the truth is so cruel. I am busy, but I am not enjoy it all the time. Those things, which I am willing to do is not that much, and the other parts, I force myself to.
For all those rules and targets, weekend’s plan, I am copying the life in Welly. I wanted to continue the good life there. Not start over again, what I am doing is pushing myself. “It could never be the same.” I told myself, even I can go back to NZ, that will never be the same. I know this, I don’t want to go back either. For what I had done in Welly within the two and half years can never be replaced. Even, I can go back, something must be different.
I still going out every weekend, walking along the Oriental Bay had changed to taking KTM. To here, I only have blamed. I don’t like to stay here. Nowhere is safe in here. The air is dirt, the weather is hot, the people are dangerous. I found no reason to love here. And no life at all. I had back to home, which mean, I have back to the cage. Like a message came up of my mind. “You’re dead now. You can never get out of here. You’re dead now.”
For everything I wanted to do, people will try to stop me. And they try very strictly. Rejection, bad words, every negative things, you can get here, unlimited supply, will never run out. What life can make from this suck situation? What can you ask for? People told me, you shouldn’t ask for this and that, you have no right to require people do that do you. Who you think you are? Ya. Who am I? I am just nobody here. NO freedom.
Learning Japanese is one of my targets. I believe I can manage it in one day. I study it when I free, always. And now, you come to me and say, why don’t you continue your study in Uni and get the certificate of xxxxx then you can be an accountant.
Okay. Here is the question. Why I have to be an accountant? Don’t piss me off. Give me a reason. I had live my life in your way for more than 20 years. Is that still not enough? I know all your decisions are for my own good. But, I growth up. I can tell what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad, what can do, what can’t do. I want to live my life my way. Do I have the right to choose my life? I do right? So, don’t even try to push me again. Or you will regret.
Sometimes, when I stopped. I don’t know what can I do here. This place likes not belong to me. So unfamiliar. So strange. When I drawing something, I stopped. And ask myself, what am I doing? Why are you drawing? Even the thing I like to do, I doubt it, and question myself.
Am I sick? I think I am. Quite serious.
I am in the office now, you might wonder how could I have time to type a letter. Might be a long letter. The fact is I have nothing to do. I have done with my part. And I don’t know what else can I do. Therefore, I assume that I have nothing to do. This is killing me, I can stand pressure, hard work, new task, but boring. I don’t know why they offered me this job, simple just because they don’t think I can find a job? And now, I don’t want to know either. My six senses tell me that I am not going to like the answer. After the New Year, many of my friends had resigned and looked for new job. I envy them. All of them.
It has been 4 months and a bit longer. I still can’t accept it. But I don’t know what is dragging me down. Every times the TV programs show something shot at NZ. I can’t stop to feel sad and very sad. At first, I think that I might just miss the place too bad. Last night, there is one travelling show introduced NZ. The places that I been to, the activities that I had tried before. Luckily it didn’t show Wellington. If not, I will have a long cry for the sadness. I can’t continue on watching it. So I turned on the laptop, listened to music. And I wanted to figure out why.
Take a slow, deep breathe, I try to calm down a bit. The more I want to know, the more memories I recall back, the harder I can breathe. There is a radio in the office, so we can listen to music from the FM. Those English songs are repeated playing. One round and again. Some of the familiar songs always bring me back to the life in Welly. I like a song from NZ very much, ALWAYS ON MY MIND by TIKKI.
Since back to here, I do everything to full the life. With a long lists of activities and achievements, I don’t have one minute to waste. Or I just want to keep myself busy so I will have no time to feel sad. Yes, I know that, the truth is so cruel. I am busy, but I am not enjoy it all the time. Those things, which I am willing to do is not that much, and the other parts, I force myself to.
For all those rules and targets, weekend’s plan, I am copying the life in Welly. I wanted to continue the good life there. Not start over again, what I am doing is pushing myself. “It could never be the same.” I told myself, even I can go back to NZ, that will never be the same. I know this, I don’t want to go back either. For what I had done in Welly within the two and half years can never be replaced. Even, I can go back, something must be different.
I still going out every weekend, walking along the Oriental Bay had changed to taking KTM. To here, I only have blamed. I don’t like to stay here. Nowhere is safe in here. The air is dirt, the weather is hot, the people are dangerous. I found no reason to love here. And no life at all. I had back to home, which mean, I have back to the cage. Like a message came up of my mind. “You’re dead now. You can never get out of here. You’re dead now.”
For everything I wanted to do, people will try to stop me. And they try very strictly. Rejection, bad words, every negative things, you can get here, unlimited supply, will never run out. What life can make from this suck situation? What can you ask for? People told me, you shouldn’t ask for this and that, you have no right to require people do that do you. Who you think you are? Ya. Who am I? I am just nobody here. NO freedom.
Learning Japanese is one of my targets. I believe I can manage it in one day. I study it when I free, always. And now, you come to me and say, why don’t you continue your study in Uni and get the certificate of xxxxx then you can be an accountant.
Okay. Here is the question. Why I have to be an accountant? Don’t piss me off. Give me a reason. I had live my life in your way for more than 20 years. Is that still not enough? I know all your decisions are for my own good. But, I growth up. I can tell what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad, what can do, what can’t do. I want to live my life my way. Do I have the right to choose my life? I do right? So, don’t even try to push me again. Or you will regret.
Sometimes, when I stopped. I don’t know what can I do here. This place likes not belong to me. So unfamiliar. So strange. When I drawing something, I stopped. And ask myself, what am I doing? Why are you drawing? Even the thing I like to do, I doubt it, and question myself.
Am I sick? I think I am. Quite serious.
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